Mainly for Me

"Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but at least HE has a plan"

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

As you may have noticed by now, this blog isn't about one thing, well it is but it's not. This isn't just a craft blog, or a cooking blog, or even a blog for my kids to never read. This blog is about everything I go through.  So yes, some days I cook something crazy and write about, and some days I find cool crafts, or fun activities. Other days though,  I might write about a song I heard or an experience I had.

This post is about the latter. It's about my current struggle with wanting so desperately to have another child. As you may know, it's been a long hard struggle, but not as long, nor as hard, as many others who face infertility.

This post is mainly therapeutic for me. It's mainly so that I can figure out how I truly feel, and maybe learn what God wants me to see.

For a little over a year, I've been charting, testing, retesting, checking, seeing doctors.... The list goes on, and frankly it's overwhelming just thinking about it. Every month that went by, every doctor that had a different theory, every confusing result, it was all devastating. It's been hard on my health,  my marriage,  and countless other relationships.

One good thing about all of this is that, though it has been hard on my marriage, it has made us communicate more effectively. It has made us emotionally depend on each other like we have never done before. We have been through job losses, money issues,  family issues... but nothing has made us be this honest and open with each other.

So why now? Why am I writing about this tonight, as my husband snores beside me, as he rests for his long day tomorrow, which will end with him at a men's retreat, and as my daughter sleeps upstairs? I'm writing this for a few reasons.

The first, as I said, is because it's therapeutic. The second is because a recurring theme that I've been running into lately is that we need to be honest with our lives. No matter how alone you feel, someone has been there and might be able to help you,  and someone might be in your situation now, and you may be able to help them. The third reason is because I have to call my doctor tomorrow to get another test done so that I might start a new medication, that will hopefully help.

The oddest thing to me is that for the past year +, every time I was due to start my cycle I would pray that I wouldn't see any red. I would pray until I cried, until my face hurt. This time, since seeing this last doctor, I've been put on a few new medications, one of which I was to stop as soon as I got a positive result from my hsg (a test to see if you are "open" down there). Once you stop taking this medication, it "should" be like a system reboot. As soon as you start something that even resembles a cycle you go in to take one last test before beginning treatment.

Once I got my positive test results Monday,  I stopped taking the medication. Since then, I've been begging God to let me see red. (??? Right?) So today,  when I finally saw it, I ran upstairs and hugged my husband jumping up and down! (Completely the opposite reaction that I've had in the past year)

It was a confusing reaction, to say the least! I almost didn't know how to react!

Well anyways,  I'm going to eagerly wait for 8am to call the doctor to see him Asap. I hope with all of my heart that God is going to use this new medication to bring us the possibility of more children. 

I am one of those people that, for years,  if I struggled with something,  I just had to "deal with it without meds." One day, when my husband and I were dating and I was struggling with depression,  he put it this way, "the kind of depression you have is a medical condition. If you had cancer, would you refuse chemo and just deal with cancer? Of course not!" After that, I agreed,  after struggling with depression for 10 years, to finally see a doctor and get some help.

I still struggle with the fact that God CAN heal us without medicine, but sometimes he uses the medications and doctors to bring us his healing. I think that's why I have been so stubborn and not taken medications for infertility before recently. I was just so sure that I was going to have an "Abraham and Sarah" kind of miracle,  where against all odds and everyone saying it can't be done, we would get pregnant again. Without medicine! (Did you notice that exclamation point? That's how stubborn I was.)

Well anyways,  tomorrow marks the beginning of my official treatment with infertility medications. We will see if God will bless us in curing my issues with infertility through these medications. At least now we know that by January we will know whether we are adding to our family biologically or not. (I can only do 6 rounds of this medication, and we have decided that if it hasn't worked by January we will need a break before taking the last 2 rounds)

Thanks for reading my all-over-the-place post. Like I said, it was mainly for me, but if it can help someone I might as well be honest.

"Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but at least HE has a plan"

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11