Freak-Out!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and helo you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
-Isaiah 41:10

Can you tell I've been freaking out lately. I feel like with everything going on in my life, everything I think about, everything I do, the first thing I do is worry. Call it what you will: "worry wart," "anxious," "wound too tight".... you get the picture. I have been the opposite of this verse.

Today was flooded with emotions. From thinking I would see the doctor to finally get my medication, to hearing I was missing blood work-ups and would have to make them up, then to be called with a rough estimate of the costs for one "treatment cycle", today has thrown me a few curveballs.

When I started to feel absolutely overwhelmed today, I drew myself a warm bath and just prayed, well mainly cried. I asked God that he would lead me to make the right decisions. I prayed that I wouldn't go through costly treatments and medications if they aren't going to work. After a while of praying and crying out to God, praying for his peace about the situation, my mom called.

I dried my face and answered the phone with a forced, cheery hello. I'm not sure if she could hear through my charade,  or if she was just asking a simple question that I answered with too much details,  but she asked how my week has been. Of course I started saying it was rough, "but I'm ok." Then when she asked why it was rough, and well, then I lost it. I started to tell her all of my worries about what has been plaguing my mind and my life, of all of the medications and treatments that I was concerned about.

My mom was on her way back home from helping my sister-in-law out with her newborn and her 2 year old. Probably because she doesn't want me to feel inferior because of my situation,  she kept saying, "but at least you have Abby..." I know she meant it as comforting, but I couldn't help thinking, "yeah but it doesn't make it hurt less. If anything, I feel unable to grieve because I have to put up a front of happy, bubbly, cheery mom." Sometimes I feel like people see me as selfish or greedy for "wanting more, more, more..." I wish I could say that I know what the answer to this is, but I just don't.  I have a desire to have more children.  I hope, and pray, that it's a God given desire and not a selfish one.

At this point, with the treatment plan the doctors have set out for me, I know there is a deadline.  If I'm not pregnant by a certain date, there isn't much the doctors can do, other than ivf. The idea that after all of this time, I am standing at the end of a hallway, standing infront of three doors, hearing that one of them will open soon, just freaks me out. I'm praying that the door to open will leave me pregnant, then holding a new baby... All the while,  I can't help wondering about the other doors. What if the door that I hear unlocking is a door that leads me to treatments without results, or no treatment at all? I know if I get pregnant I'd be ecstatic! But what about these other doors? I know that any door that doesn't lwad me to being pregnant means I won't have any more kids, at least not for a long while, if at all.

I feel like when I'm hit with bad news, I have to save the emotions for nap time. One day Abby walked in on me bawling my eyes out, and she became very concerned.  From that day on, she has started asking me if I'm sad, or pretending her animals are sad, always comforting and saying, "it's ok. I got you. No one will get you." Though I love that at 2 and a half she has such a kind heart, I don't want to make her go through my sadness with me. For this reason,  I cry when I'm alone. I cry when she's asleep and there is no way she will see my pain. Unfortunately,  being that she's a busy bee, and that I still have to cook, clean, and be a good "happy and supportive" wife, I don't have much time to reflect and figure out my feelings.

This is a main reason I love that technology has allowed me to write down my experiences, mainly for my therapeutic purposes. I do pray that because I have gone through this, that I will be able to use my "test and make it [my] testimony." I've quoted John Piper on here before, in his sermon in which he says that our suffering isn't meaningless. He says, "it's doing something.  It's not meaningless.  Of course you can't see what it's doing." I have to remind myself daily that through all of our trials, God has a plan. If we strive to always face our troubles with our faith and God's will in mind, John Piper says, "it is working for you an eternal weight of glory."

So now, as I get ready to start a weekend filled with opportunities to worry, I remind myself that God is with me. Because he is there, he has a plan, and I can rest assured that he will give me the strength I need to go on. No matter what door is opened, no matter the outcome, he is already there,  waiting to help me through it. So I don't need to worry. Honestly,  I will probably still find myself worrying at some point, but I can tell myself to cut it out, because I know in the end, its God's perfect and amazing plan.

Mainly for Me

"Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but at least HE has a plan"

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

As you may have noticed by now, this blog isn't about one thing, well it is but it's not. This isn't just a craft blog, or a cooking blog, or even a blog for my kids to never read. This blog is about everything I go through.  So yes, some days I cook something crazy and write about, and some days I find cool crafts, or fun activities. Other days though,  I might write about a song I heard or an experience I had.

This post is about the latter. It's about my current struggle with wanting so desperately to have another child. As you may know, it's been a long hard struggle, but not as long, nor as hard, as many others who face infertility.

This post is mainly therapeutic for me. It's mainly so that I can figure out how I truly feel, and maybe learn what God wants me to see.

For a little over a year, I've been charting, testing, retesting, checking, seeing doctors.... The list goes on, and frankly it's overwhelming just thinking about it. Every month that went by, every doctor that had a different theory, every confusing result, it was all devastating. It's been hard on my health,  my marriage,  and countless other relationships.

One good thing about all of this is that, though it has been hard on my marriage, it has made us communicate more effectively. It has made us emotionally depend on each other like we have never done before. We have been through job losses, money issues,  family issues... but nothing has made us be this honest and open with each other.

So why now? Why am I writing about this tonight, as my husband snores beside me, as he rests for his long day tomorrow, which will end with him at a men's retreat, and as my daughter sleeps upstairs? I'm writing this for a few reasons.

The first, as I said, is because it's therapeutic. The second is because a recurring theme that I've been running into lately is that we need to be honest with our lives. No matter how alone you feel, someone has been there and might be able to help you,  and someone might be in your situation now, and you may be able to help them. The third reason is because I have to call my doctor tomorrow to get another test done so that I might start a new medication, that will hopefully help.

The oddest thing to me is that for the past year +, every time I was due to start my cycle I would pray that I wouldn't see any red. I would pray until I cried, until my face hurt. This time, since seeing this last doctor, I've been put on a few new medications, one of which I was to stop as soon as I got a positive result from my hsg (a test to see if you are "open" down there). Once you stop taking this medication, it "should" be like a system reboot. As soon as you start something that even resembles a cycle you go in to take one last test before beginning treatment.

Once I got my positive test results Monday,  I stopped taking the medication. Since then, I've been begging God to let me see red. (??? Right?) So today,  when I finally saw it, I ran upstairs and hugged my husband jumping up and down! (Completely the opposite reaction that I've had in the past year)

It was a confusing reaction, to say the least! I almost didn't know how to react!

Well anyways,  I'm going to eagerly wait for 8am to call the doctor to see him Asap. I hope with all of my heart that God is going to use this new medication to bring us the possibility of more children. 

I am one of those people that, for years,  if I struggled with something,  I just had to "deal with it without meds." One day, when my husband and I were dating and I was struggling with depression,  he put it this way, "the kind of depression you have is a medical condition. If you had cancer, would you refuse chemo and just deal with cancer? Of course not!" After that, I agreed,  after struggling with depression for 10 years, to finally see a doctor and get some help.

I still struggle with the fact that God CAN heal us without medicine, but sometimes he uses the medications and doctors to bring us his healing. I think that's why I have been so stubborn and not taken medications for infertility before recently. I was just so sure that I was going to have an "Abraham and Sarah" kind of miracle,  where against all odds and everyone saying it can't be done, we would get pregnant again. Without medicine! (Did you notice that exclamation point? That's how stubborn I was.)

Well anyways,  tomorrow marks the beginning of my official treatment with infertility medications. We will see if God will bless us in curing my issues with infertility through these medications. At least now we know that by January we will know whether we are adding to our family biologically or not. (I can only do 6 rounds of this medication, and we have decided that if it hasn't worked by January we will need a break before taking the last 2 rounds)

Thanks for reading my all-over-the-place post. Like I said, it was mainly for me, but if it can help someone I might as well be honest.

"Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but at least HE has a plan"

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11

Bubbles, Bubbles, and More Bubbles!

Some days I wonder why I still live in Houston, but then I think of the free events that are all over town for me to do with my kiddo. One such event is Discovery Green's Toddler Tuesday. Among many other pragrams that Discovery Green offers, Toddler Tuesday is the one we attend regularly. Each week they have a different theme, usually including a character, such as Elmo or Spongebob.

This last Tuesday was foam/bubble pit and Spongebob Squarepants. Let me just say that Abby absolutely LOVED it!!! The only downfall was the long lines for everything, but at the end of it all, it was totally worth it.

She was a little unsure of course about Spongebob, but she was ok to take a picture as long as I held her. :)

 

After Hearing a story and meeting Spongebob, we headed over to the foam pit. The line was long, but nothing good company can't fix. We also met some nice people in line, reminiscing about past Toddler Tuesdays.

 

THEN, we got into the pit!!!!

 

The bubbles got so high at one point that Abby was completely covered and I had to reach down and grab her up out of the bubbles. (Hence the bubbles head to toe;))

 

After being covered with bubbles, it was time to rinse off.

 

 

All in all, a good day :)

You're Never Too Old To Sing In The Rain

 

I just love the song by Gene Kelley, "Singing in the Rain!" To me, it represents the possibility of seeing the sun shining through the dark rainy clouds. It has also been the perfect song for my daughter lately, because it has been raining every day for a while now.

My daughter was never scared of thunder or rain until she saw one of her friends get scared by it. For a while after that she began asking why the thunder was so loud, and why it was scary. In order to comfort her, we told her it was nothing to be afraid of, that God waters the plants and the trees to help them live, and the thunder is one way that we know there is rain.

Enter "Singing In The Rain." We have listened to the original version, along with the version from Glee, in which they mash-up the original and "Umbrella." Needless to say, she absolutely went crazy for both! She loves the idea, as do I, of just going out and getting soaking wet, all the while laughing and singing "in the rain." Now every time she hears thunder, or rain on the windows, she screams, "I want to go singing in the rain!"

This morning when we woke up, it was pouring. I mean "get your boots" and "find the boat" pouring! So we decided that since my husband was finally home with us on a Saturday morning, that we would all go out and dance and play in the rain. In our pajamas, with our neighbors probably thinking we are crazy, we were laughing and dancing in the rain. (Of course my 2 year old was screaming "singing in the rain! singing in the rain!" over and over again!)

It was one of the moments that you just let go. You realize that though you may look crazy to others, you may even look crazy to yourself, you are having a blast. I thought about how I hope that it's moments like these that my kiddo remembers, moments of pure joy and silliness.

Of course after running around the neighborhood, splashing in puddles, kicking street water at each other, we had to take serious showers. Well, in good old fashioned "Never a Dull Moment" style, our dogs ran away while we were having fun. So while my daughter and I showered, my husband got in his truck, while it was still pouring rain out, to search for the dogs. As he hadn't found them yet, after we were done showering, my kiddo and I jumped in my car and joined him in the search. Needless to say, we found the dogs, who, though soaking wet, appeared to be having a grand old time having their own rendition of our shenanigans.

Though life is never predictable, never forget that sometimes, you just need to let loose and go "singing and dancing in the rain!"

Is It My Will Or HIS?

I think if the world were to rewrite Philippians 4:8 it would read something like this: "...whatever is popular, whatever is cool, whatever feels right, whatever is temporary, whatever is a fad, whatever will get others to notice you- if anything is selfish or brings you praise- think about such things."

Are you put back? Put off even??? You should be!!! Don't live like this! This is the absolutely wrong way to look at life. It's how the devil wants us to look at life.

I was thinking the other day about how many times we go about our lives mistaking our will for God's true will. How often are our thoughts overwhelmed by our own wants and desires, which can make us unable to differentiate our own "small voice" and God's. Sometimes we can even "feel led" to do something, only later to realize that it was our own ideas, not God's will.

One of the main things that I have found when thinking about this dilemma, is to think, "is this desire biblical?" I like to consult the actual Philippians 4:8 to properly answer this question.

"Finally, Brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things."

If I can read this verse and answer "Yes" to all of the qualities mentioned, then I ask one last thing. I always try to ask myself if this is just something that has been invading my mind, or if this is something that God has placed on my heart.

One thing that I had to really think about in this way recently, is adoption. I feel like everywhere I turn lately someone is talking about adoption. There are conferences, seminars, pamphlets, and signs. I had been thinking about adoption a lot because of all of the attention in the Christian community. One lady said it this way, "it's the cool thing to do nowadays. Adoption is the new "it" thing it seems, especially within the church." I agree with her. Though I think adoption is a wonderful thing, perfectly illustrated in the Bible, I think that many people go into it because "it's the cool thing to do."

(I want to make it perfectly clear, before I go on, that some things, like adoption, can be done selfishly and still help someone. I strongly believe, though, that God should be the one to give you the conviction for adoption, not society, because when the fad passes, you don't want to have any doubts about what you did.)

I very much admire those that are convicted to adopt. As I've said before, the Bible is the perfect illustration of adoption. God has "adopted" each and every believer as his own sons and daughters. He didn't have to, and he had to sacrifice a lot more than a couple thousand dollar. He sacrificed his own Son so that we could be adopted by him, and live with him for all of eternity.

As for me, I think that when I've thought about adoption, I mainly thought about being able to give a child a home. What has stopped me, at least for now, is the cost. For us, in this stage of our lives, a minimum of $30,000 is a lot of money, money that we don't have just laying around. When I think of how concerned I am with the money aspect of it, that's when I realise that I'm not ready. If I went with just that verse, I would say "Yes, of course it's all those things!" In reality, it would be driven by a desire to please and stifled by uncertainty about money. The concern for the amount of money it would cost is what makes me feel like it is not right, at least not now, for us.

I've heard it said about tattoos that if you don't know what you want to get, you aren't ready. I like to look at other things in life this way too. When looking at houses, if I can't look at a house and know what I would do and how I would live in it, it's not right for me. If I can't look at adoption and know, without a doubt in my mind, that I would be able to love that child with all of my heart, as much a as biological child, never thinking, "you aren't mine", then I'm not ready.

I admire, as I said before, people who go through the adoption process. I hope that one day, God might mold my heart in such a way that I might adopt, or have a part in a child's life, who is not my own, in such a way to impact them for Christ.

God knows my heart, and He knows yours! Let Him guide you. Live your live by Philippians 4:8, the biblical version, God's holy word!

7 Weeks of Travel, A Wedding, and We're Still Going

This summer has just been insane! We have been traveling just about every weekend, whether to Austin, 3 hours away, Louisiana, 2 hours away, or North Carolina, a nice 3.5 hr plane ride away, and it's been oh so ever eventful.

The first few weekends were to birthday parties, baby showers, our anniversary getaway (just one night), and traveling in town with my parents for Labor Day weekend. The thing that sticks out the most from those weekends has to be when my mom and I went to my sister-in-law's baby shower while the guys too the kids to the circus. On the way there, my daughter got really upset at her stuffed Minnie Mouse, which by the way is about her size. She was yelling at it, so my husband asked her what was wrong. She looks at him and says, "she's not listening to me!" So he asked her if she needed to have a talk with her Minnie, to which she shook her head yes. She proceeded to say "One, Two, do I need to get to three!" Then she turned Minnie over on her knee and said, "I'm gonna bonk you!" The funniest part, though, is when she started spanking Minnie!

This past weekend, we traveled up to North Carolina for my dear cousin's wedding. This was a family reunion mixed with a whole lot of love for the couple we were celebrating. The wedding, which had a Rapunzel flare to it, was beautiful! Everything was a fairytale for these two love birds. The cousin that got married is very dear to my heart, as we had spent many hours throughout the years talking about everything under the sun. I have probably shared with him more things than most people, not to mention I've probably gone shopping with him more than my girl cousins!

Anyways, so we've survived all this traveling, mainly to be able to say we did it. Of course throughout this time we have had a bunch of hurdles thrown our way in our personal lives, so sometimes it was good to have a distraction.

As I'm typing this now, I look around my house at bags half unpacked, still left over from our trip last weekend. A few hours away, my parents are with my sister-in-law and my brother as they welcome their 2nd son into their lives. Of course, over here, my daughter is no doubt wreaking havoc on the upstairs of our house, as she is just waking up from her nap, for which she skipped lunch voluntarily.

Needless to say, my life is a little crazy right now.

One thing that I have found that has saved my sanity in all this craziness, has been Romans 12:12. I shared it with a friend this morning, as she has been going through similar dramas in her life as I have in mine.

Here is what it says:
Be joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.

God please bless all those who are in need of you today. Please give me comfort in knowing that you have a plan, even though I can't see it now. I pray that you give me Peace as I wait on your answer, that I might not be anxious. Please help me to fully trust in your promise that you know what's best. Please be with all those that are longing for a child today, as they watch other's bringing new life into this world. God show me you are here and that you hear me today.

Amen