What We Hear

They say to your parents,  "I love watching your family grow!" I think,  "it won't grow because of me."

They say, "children are the greatest blessing!" I think, "I got blessed once"

They say, "what are you waiting for?" I think, "I'm doing my part. It just isn't happening."

They say, "Have faith." I think, "I literally wake up praying and fall asleep praying. I believe God can, I just don't know why he chooses others instead of me."

They say, "look at all these babies!" I think, "I'll just hug my one and only closer."

She says, "mom, do I have a sister or brother? " I think, "no, mommy just isn't working right."

She says, "do you have a baby in there?" I think, "no baby, but I pray every day that God might give us a baby again."

He says, "we'll be ok no matter what comes our way." I think,  "we've already had so many trials. I feel like with this one especially I'm letting you down."

He says, "I'll love you no matter what, even if we never get pregnant." I think, "I'm not sure I can love me if I bring you, our daughter, and me, pain every time someone announces their pregnant,  or we see a big family,  or are asked to hold a baby."

I hear, "God loves you,  he knows what's best." I think, "why does he let me hurt so much, for so long, for something that is biblical. The bible instructs us to multiply... I'm trying... but he keeps saying no."