"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and helo you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"
-Isaiah 41:10
Can you tell I've been freaking out lately. I feel like with everything going on in my life, everything I think about, everything I do, the first thing I do is worry. Call it what you will: "worry wart," "anxious," "wound too tight".... you get the picture. I have been the opposite of this verse.
Today was flooded with emotions. From thinking I would see the doctor to finally get my medication, to hearing I was missing blood work-ups and would have to make them up, then to be called with a rough estimate of the costs for one "treatment cycle", today has thrown me a few curveballs.
When I started to feel absolutely overwhelmed today, I drew myself a warm bath and just prayed, well mainly cried. I asked God that he would lead me to make the right decisions. I prayed that I wouldn't go through costly treatments and medications if they aren't going to work. After a while of praying and crying out to God, praying for his peace about the situation, my mom called.
I dried my face and answered the phone with a forced, cheery hello. I'm not sure if she could hear through my charade, or if she was just asking a simple question that I answered with too much details, but she asked how my week has been. Of course I started saying it was rough, "but I'm ok." Then when she asked why it was rough, and well, then I lost it. I started to tell her all of my worries about what has been plaguing my mind and my life, of all of the medications and treatments that I was concerned about.
My mom was on her way back home from helping my sister-in-law out with her newborn and her 2 year old. Probably because she doesn't want me to feel inferior because of my situation, she kept saying, "but at least you have Abby..." I know she meant it as comforting, but I couldn't help thinking, "yeah but it doesn't make it hurt less. If anything, I feel unable to grieve because I have to put up a front of happy, bubbly, cheery mom." Sometimes I feel like people see me as selfish or greedy for "wanting more, more, more..." I wish I could say that I know what the answer to this is, but I just don't. I have a desire to have more children. I hope, and pray, that it's a God given desire and not a selfish one.
At this point, with the treatment plan the doctors have set out for me, I know there is a deadline. If I'm not pregnant by a certain date, there isn't much the doctors can do, other than ivf. The idea that after all of this time, I am standing at the end of a hallway, standing infront of three doors, hearing that one of them will open soon, just freaks me out. I'm praying that the door to open will leave me pregnant, then holding a new baby... All the while, I can't help wondering about the other doors. What if the door that I hear unlocking is a door that leads me to treatments without results, or no treatment at all? I know if I get pregnant I'd be ecstatic! But what about these other doors? I know that any door that doesn't lwad me to being pregnant means I won't have any more kids, at least not for a long while, if at all.
I feel like when I'm hit with bad news, I have to save the emotions for nap time. One day Abby walked in on me bawling my eyes out, and she became very concerned. From that day on, she has started asking me if I'm sad, or pretending her animals are sad, always comforting and saying, "it's ok. I got you. No one will get you." Though I love that at 2 and a half she has such a kind heart, I don't want to make her go through my sadness with me. For this reason, I cry when I'm alone. I cry when she's asleep and there is no way she will see my pain. Unfortunately, being that she's a busy bee, and that I still have to cook, clean, and be a good "happy and supportive" wife, I don't have much time to reflect and figure out my feelings.
This is a main reason I love that technology has allowed me to write down my experiences, mainly for my therapeutic purposes. I do pray that because I have gone through this, that I will be able to use my "test and make it [my] testimony." I've quoted John Piper on here before, in his sermon in which he says that our suffering isn't meaningless. He says, "it's doing something. It's not meaningless. Of course you can't see what it's doing." I have to remind myself daily that through all of our trials, God has a plan. If we strive to always face our troubles with our faith and God's will in mind, John Piper says, "it is working for you an eternal weight of glory."
So now, as I get ready to start a weekend filled with opportunities to worry, I remind myself that God is with me. Because he is there, he has a plan, and I can rest assured that he will give me the strength I need to go on. No matter what door is opened, no matter the outcome, he is already there, waiting to help me through it. So I don't need to worry. Honestly, I will probably still find myself worrying at some point, but I can tell myself to cut it out, because I know in the end, its God's perfect and amazing plan.
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