This year though, I don't love the holiday season. Thanksgiving was great, a good time with family and lots of cooking, but once it was over I was never able to get into the holiday spirit, as I usually do. I barely got my Christmas card out in time, didn't decorate the house, since we are trying to sell it, and everything seems tedious.
As I sat in a bible study, one of the ladies asked me why I wasn't more excited. I thought about it for a second and realized that it isn't just my "situation", with infertility seeming to rule out lives, but it's more than that. I realized that this year everything was a task to accomplish, not a joyful event. (And yes, I know that life is not candies and roses all the time, but the holidays were usually what I looked forward to all year.)
One of the main things I realized was different this year was the present giving, or rather "here's my shopping list". I have been given wish lists in the past, but I always tried to get something without looking at it, mainly because I wanted it to be something from ME, not from them with my money.This year, though, it feels like the year of lists with my family. We get big long lists, "shopping lists" as I like to call them, and that's what we buy. As most of the things were online, I went on amazon, and a few other sites, typed in the items, added them to my cart, gave my credit card info.... and just like that I was done. There was no browsing to find that perfect gift. There was no thinking about what someone would like. It was just fulfilling a grocery list.
Of course, I participated in the list giving, as I was asked to, but after all was said and done, I felt like something was amiss. Sure I have "brown packages tied up with string," yes literally, but there was more thought put into the wrapping than the present itself.
I keep trying to think back to my childhood, growing up close to my family. I feel like we knew each other well enough to get something personal. Now I don't remember if we had "wishlists" or not, but I remember putting thought into gifts. I remember on Christmas day, watching someone open what you got them, and watching their reaction. (It was usually laughter, as we would get things that made the other happy, though sometimes we did get some weird looks. :))
I wish we could all put down our expectations, our IPads, our phones, our computers.... and just get to know one another well enough to be able to get each other something of meaning.
Now I know this year it's too late, but my challenge, to you and my self, is to not ask what someone wants next time it's their birthday, anniversary, Christmas.... Think about that person, get to know them better, buy something from the heart, or better yet! Make something special! Put a little bit of yourself, a little effort, and a lot of love. See what you can come up with.
Last thought... instead of being a shopping list of "I want this... I want that," try to get someone something they wouldn't think to ask for. Something special that they will remember years from now.
****Most of all, remember that it's not about what you get, or even what you give. It's about the ultimate gift, Jesus Christ. Yes life can be disappointing at times, but in the end, if we have Jesus, we have it all.
Think of it this way, if you died tomorrow, would you care that you didn't get ____? Or would you care if you didn't have Jesus?
(And yes, even with infertility, this is true.... If I die tomorrow, will I be upset that I haven't been able to conceive again? Or will I be focused on the fact that I'm in heaven and God is what matters?)(This is not to say I won't be upset here on earth for these things, but it means that they are things that matter "in this world")
